Fancy Ketchup Should Be Illegal
Actor and comedian Paul Scheer (The League, Black Monday, How Did This Get Made?) is done with your artisanal ketchup. In this episode, he goes off on over-designed condiments, overpriced fries, and the betrayal of getting aioli when all he wanted was Heinz. We talk burger basics, restaurant red flags, and why fries should always come with the meal, not cost extra. Credits: Host: Kareem Rahma Guest: Paul Scheer Creators: Kareem Rahma & Andrew Kuo Camera: Anthony DiMieri & Tian Sippel Editor: Tyler Christie Associate Producer: Ramy Shafi Artwork: Andrew Lawandus
Summary
Paul Scheer has had enough of your artisanal ketchup. The actor and comedian sits down with Kareem to rant about restaurants that think they can improve on Heinz, charging extra for fries that should come with the burger, and serving condiments in portions "like this big" while treating customers "like an animal." They bond over the absurdity of craft ketchup (nobody knows what's in Heinz, and that's exactly why it works), debate whether craft mayo deserves any respect, and nearly derail the entire conversation when Scheer confesses he likes Miracle Whip. "Get off the show," Kareem fires back. It's a full-throated defense of the basics: squeeze bottles, unlimited refills, and the $2 tub of Heinz that never expires.
Full Transcript
So, what's your take? Restaurants need to stop with the artisanal ketchup.
100% agree. No craft ketchup. We don't like it. Heinz has perfected it. We don't need your mango chutney ketchup. I just want the sugar. I want the taste of Heinz.
Preach, brother. Preach.
And here's the other thing. If you're going to be serving a burger, fries are not extra. That's a two-for for me.
100%. 200% agree. If I go to a place and the burger doesn't say burger and fries, you have to buy the burger for $8. Actually $18 plus another $7 for fries and then they bring out the artisanal ketchup.
You're wrecking the experience. I don't even enjoy the fries. And the fries are the best part. And you can give me a little craft like this big. Like don't treat me like an animal.
I want the squeeze bottle and I want unlimited. I don't want to have to ask my server, excuse me, can I have another ketchup?
Yeah, that makes to me it's like why are we reinventing the wheel? No one likes it. It's not also expensive. Heinz isn't expensive. No, it cost $2 for a tub of Heinz.
You could get like 96 oz for less than $5 and it stays forever. I've never thrown out a bottle of ketchup.
What do you think the motivation is behind the craft ketchup, the artisanal ketchup?
I think people think, "Oh, I I want it to be healthy, but that defeats ketchup. Ketchup is not put on healthy things.
Ketchup needs sugar.
I'm eating fries. I don't need to be watching out for my weight. I'm already I'm already down the rabbit hole."
The poor person in the kitchen crushing tomatoes. Is that what ketchup's made out of? I don't know.
I don't even know how you make it, but I know that. So that's I don't think anyone knows. That's why it's so bad.
The Heinz Factory is a mystery.
Yeah, the Heinz Factory has figured out something that no one can duplicate. Like we need to go in there and figure out what's happening.
What about craft mayo? Have you ever had that?
That I can at least get a little bit behind.
100% disagree.
Really?
I want Hellmann's.
Oh, I mean I'm Look, I'm not saying Hellmann's. I I'm going to go for Hellmann's. I can at least I can at least go like all right mayo at least is like eggs and it will taste a little bit like it.
I'm not with you on this one.
No, not at all.
I'm sorry.
All right. Look, I'm going to give you I'm going to give you a more controversial take. I like Miracle Whip.
Miracle Whip? What? What?
Miracle Whip is like a mayo. It's like It's like the margarine to butter, but it's tasty as hell.
I thought it was frosting.
No, that's Cool Whip.
Oh, Miracle Whip is disgusting. Oh my god. Get off the show. Get off the