Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays

So what's your take? This is a note to all restaurants: stop singing "Happy Birthday" to adults. 100% disagree. What? I'm sorry, what?

I want it—no, no. If you're at a Mexican restaurant and you're making adults sing to you, it's embarrassing for everybody. No, no, no. They're getting paid. What are you—[bleep]—medieval lord? Get out of here. It's embarrassing for the staff.

No, they like it. They—this is why you're a content creator. They—[bleep]—hate it. No, they don't. It's embarrassing to them. It's embarrassing to other patrons at the restaurant, and it's embarrassing to the person whose birthday it is.

What restaurants are you going to where all of that madness and sadness is happening? Dude, dude, have you ever—have you been to Dallas Barbecue? Yes.

You like when they sing "Happy Birthday" to you? See, that's—that is what I'm talking about. I love—yeah.

Don't you like attention? This is nuts, nuts. This is nuts. You're making grown adults sing to you because you're 43 years old.

What's the problem with that? That's [bleep] crazy. You make adults change your tires and change your oil.

That's different. And clean your teeth.

That's different. That's so different. How is it different?

That's less humiliating. What—the guy's in your mouth? I just turned 39. They sang me "Happy Birthday" like I was in the office. Like, five people brought out a cookie.

Your office is not a restaurant. A restaurant? It's worse. It's worse.

Hey, are you offended if someone sings? Do you feel bad when they sing "Happy Birthday" to you? Oh, no, at a restaurant? This is crazy. This is madness. This is madness.

Sorry, the popular—the popular opinion stands with Kareem. Every time you sing to a grown adult, it sounds like you're talking to me in italics. Like, "Happy Birthday, dear Kareem," "Happy..." I feel embarrassed when they sang. Okay, I feel embarrassed too. Yeah, I felt humiliated. I felt ashamed.

It's different when you're a kid. When you're a—

For a child, it's affirming. Yes.

What's up? No, but—but see, their children. See their—

They deserve. We should sing "Happy Birthday" to them. It's not even their birthday. They're just running around. They're running on Buck in the streets.

Yes, they're gallivanting through the streets of New York. They deserve to be singing "Happy Birthday" to. To be an adult and be like, "It's my day," you should be—you should be sent to AB. So that's my first thing. Okay, let him cook. Number—my—my second thing with—I hope to God that I agree with you on this one: we need to eliminate office birthday cards.

100% agree. Okay, you know when they're passing it around and they're like, "Oh, it's Carol's birthday"? Don't—don't—don't show her. Like, it's—

Scary? Don't show. Yeah, nobody. Don't show her. Gets me every time. Yeah, this—like, she doesn't give a [bleep] about this card. She could give a [bleep] about everyone's Greyhound bus stall scribble. Also, I don't like Cherry. I don't—I don't like her at all. I don't want to write in her card at all. So I'm going to write like, "Who's—who's getting off on HBD exclamation point?"

I think—I think, in general, the culture around birthdays should end at about 16. 16?

I was going to say, yeah. So, or, or 18, maybe. No, no, no. [Bleep] that. Zero to 15. You get your—we'll give—six to the whites sweet 16. You guys get—you get that. 80?

I'm saying, for us, for us, for us, beige folk, we get zero to 15. Other people get the sweet 16. 16 to 80: nothing. I don't want to hear it. I want to be invited.

You can't—you can't invite me to it. Or, or, alternatively, you celebrate the person who gave birth. Oh, mother. That's Mother's Day.

No, but—two Mother's Days? You have Mother's Day, and you have Father's Day. Yes.

The birthday is to celebrate both parents. Oh, [bleep]. This is like—parents' birthday is parents' day. I actually think your birthday should just be Double's Mother. Mother's Day, just two moms. Two mother's.

That's a good take. I like that. Okay, then: 16 to 80, no birthdays at all. The moment you turn 80, every year we're doing your birthdays are bad. Oh.

90. Starting at 90, we do half-birthdays, or we just call them "alive days," like, you're still—you're still trucking, bud. What do you use it? But the—but the fact that there's like 47-year-olds that are like, "Everyone, meet me in the Bahamas," [bleep], [bleep], you—

A lot of Americans, yeah, in this country. Have a very important question for Hass Minaj. What's that? What's the hair routine?

Oh, what—the hair routine? What's the hair routine? What are we doing in the morning? What are we doing? Are we doing cold water? Are we doing hot water? Are we combing? Are we brushing? Is there any product in there? Is it that silky all the time? Do you just wake up and it's like that? So, so, this is the American people want to know?

Well, well, by the—but you're a hair icon as well. But I don't do anything, Kareem. You—you come out with these—with these bouncy, boingy curls. I swear I don't even—I don't wash my face. I haven't washed my face. Come out here with these beautiful curly—

Why are you flipping on me all of a sudden? Okay, the American people want to know about your hair. They don't want to know about my hair because this hair is all natural, all right?

I'll—I'll just say this: I think there's been big propaganda that's been pushed by the shampoo lobby, okay? Telling people to over-shampoo and condition their hair.

Okay, um, I bring this news from my grandparents and my culture and my heritage: let that oil cook. Let it cook. Let it cook in your hair. Let it bake. Let it marinate. Because people who are shampooing every day? Oh, you're just destroying—you're destroying all the natural minerals and resources and—and resources. You're talking about it like it's the Middle East.

You're destroying the natural barrel of oil. Yeah, you know how they talk about the barrel of oil price? Hair is just an allegory.

Yeah, don't—just—yeah, you don't want to do that. No, okay. Keep going. We want to know the full routine, um. So you don't shampoo it? You don't shampoo it. You condition it?

How often? No, I don't even condition. I don't condition. I—I shampoo. I shampoo do—condition. Like, after I got to do something strenuous, I got to be like, I got to come off a basketball court.

Basketball court? Or just like a Southwest flight landing in LaGuardia? I'm like, "There [bleep] is grimy. Everything's grimy." So I—I'll do a full shampoo and condition, but natural. I'll come out the shower, do a little towel dry, put a little bit of like coconut oil or a little bit of pomade.

We're getting the really good stuff right now. We're getting really good stuff. Put it in, okay? Let it rock. Okay, then let nature do its—let—let nature run its course.

Don't go out though. Don't go out. Just—you have to stay in the house.

Just chill. Just—just vibe in the house. You have to stay in the house. Stay in the house.

Why do you have to stay in the house? You got to let it marinate. Let it cook. Let it go.

Why? I don't believe—watch Fire up Hulu. Watch Shogun. Let it cook a little bit. Go to sleep, right?

Oh, this is nighttime. Nighttime? Yeah.

Oh, I was doing shower. I am not doing like a—you don't do the morning shower? I'm not doing like an 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. I do a morning shower, but I won't—I won't touch the—I won't touch up top.

This is really good advice for all Americans, yeah, because they got you buying too much product. No, there's—there's a huge—Johnson and Johnson is lying to you.

Do you have any pets? No, bro. This is—I cannot—you almost said—this is the most—I was going to say, this is the most offensive thing you could ask me.

Why pets? You know Muslims were pro-cat, anti-everything else.

So do you have any cats? We have no cats.

You have no cats? We have no cats.

Are you thinking about— I have kids, but I have no cats.

Well, what do the kids play with? Each other? Like, what are you talking about? Each other? Kids need a pet.

Legos. Toys. Yeah, no, no. Kids need a living pet to take care of and learn how to become adults. I think you should get a cat.

You guys—growing up in your house, you guys have—you guys had animals? We had a lot of animals, but I used to want to be a veterinarian.

Okay, was that interesting? Wait, who confirmed this? Pops? Like, your dad?

Was like, we're going to—my dad was like, "You could be a veterinarian" because—