Social media should have business hours
Summary
A straphanger pitches a radical solution to our collective internet addiction: social media should operate on business hours, from 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. Kareem pushes back immediately. He's making a pretty penny off the always-on internet, after all. But the rider insists it's a public health issue, comparing it to how Nickelodeon used to shut down programming for an hour in summer with a message to go play outside. Her late-night algorithm serves up content like "girl gets shoved in suitcase, murdered in 1984," while Kareem's feeds him wholesome elephant videos. They riff on whether you could pay extra for overtime access (taxes to support the internet infrastructure, naturally) and debate what stays online after hours. Maybe Wikipedia and J-store. Music streaming doesn't count. The conversation captures both the absurdity and appeal of forcibly logging everyone off at bedtime.
Full Transcript
So, what's your take? Social media should have business hours.
100% disagree. Well, I, I kind of knew you were going to say that 'cause you're making a pretty penny. Okay. Like, it makes a lot of sense. It makes a lot of sense. But for the greater good, for the public health issue, I think 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. That's all we need.
That's literally not business hours. Still.
9 to 5 is business hours. No, but like, think like a good store. Think about a good store. Okay. Like, like Brandy Melville.
Yeah, Brandy M. It has to be Brandy Melville. That's, that's more like 11 to 9.
That's good. Okay. So, why are we doing that? Well, for one thing, I don't think we need to be on at night. We really don't. Think about everything that you see on TikTok, on Instagram. It's usually girl gets shoved in suitcase, murdered in 1984. Here are the pictures. I don't need that.
We might be on different, respectfully, we might be on different. I don't know. I think—
My videos at 9 p.m. are like, "Here's an elephant that's about to try to ride on a donkey." That's my 11:00 a.m., Karina.
Oh, that's your 11:00 a.m. Yeah. And 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m., that's still good 'cause like, you can still ruin your family dinner. You can still have it out while you're eating every meal of the day. I'm just saying go to sleep, read a book. Some of them can stay open. You can have the reading part of Twitter or J-store or some like random Wikipedia articles. I think that's all really good.
Yeah, maybe help me go to wind down a bit. You know, the music, day music's good.
Music, that's not social media. Oh, okay. Only social media. Yes. Yes. Okay.
So we're not shutting down the internet. No internet.
Oh, so it's like the app that locks your phone. But better. But better.
And it's everyone. It's everyone. And you can't bypass it.
Oh, I mean, I'm making a pretty penny. I want to be able to pay some extra money. Get, get 15 extra minutes. I don't know. Okay. Maybe, maybe you have like a government license that you can do it. I'll lean on that.
We should make it privatized so that I pay money. Taxes. You're kind of a genius. It's taxes. It helps us support the internet.
Did you grow up with Nickelodeon? Okay. You know how in the summer they would do that thing for like an hour during the day, they'd be like, "It's outside time." So you'd be watching SpongeBob and then it'd go no more, and then you had to go play outside. Just that from 9:00 p.m. to 9:00 a.m. It's just a little adjustment. They used to care about the kids in this country.
And also, this may shock you. There was a time social media didn't exist in this country. I think it would be good for us. I think we got to go on back. What?
Thank you. Yeah, I like it. You know what? I still disagree.